Magnificent in disguise--you've got watcher's eyes

Post thirteen.

2008-07-12T01:07:00.002-05:00

So, my mom starts chemo on Monday. :-\
I don't know who's going to help out when I go back to school. It's not like anyone else does anything. She and I switch up now cooking dinner. When she starts chemo, it's very likely that she won't feel up to cooking. My dad can't cook. The only thing he can cook is meat on a grill. God knows, he can't grill every night. And they/we certainly can't go out to eat for every meal.

I don't know why I post here...my posts always go ignored anyway...

Post twelve.

2008-06-15T23:53:00.000-05:00

Today has been such a shitty day. Well, the shittiness carried over from last night. I have just been feeling down for some reason. I think it's because I haven't had any social interaction besides my family for a almost week. I miss my friends and I miss Ian. I know that a week isn't that long, but I still wish I could see Ian and my friends.

Last night Ian called me, but we only spoke for about ten minutes before he started doing something. That made me kind of sad because I hadn't spoken to him all day, and I just wanted to hear his voice even though I didn't have anything of interest to talk about. After that I just felt a little down. I called him when I was getting ready for bed, but he didn't answer. That made me feel even more down. I know it shouldn't, and he just didn't hear his phone...so yeah. I expected him to call me within ten or fifteen minutes, but after I didn't heard from him, I went to bed. About an hour later, he called me, but I didn't answer it because I was really tired. He left me a voicemail telling that said, "hey, sorry I missed your call. love you. bye." And that was it. And the shortness of it made me upset. WHAT THE SHIT is wrong with me. That's no reason for me to get upset. About an hour after that he called again, but again, I did not answer because I was half-asleep. I expected him to just leave another voicemail. Instead, he called back two more times. I decided to answer it on the third time because I thought something was wrong. He just wanted to call and apologize that he missed my call, and that he was worried that I was upset. Anyway, we talked for about ten minutes before I decided I was too tired to keep talking.

Earlier today David and I got into it a little bit. Well, it was mostly just him yelling and cussing me out. And it was all because he misunderstood what I was saying. By the time he was finished, I was way to upset to try and clear things up, so I just left it at that. All the shit he said to me made me even MORE emotional. I kept randomly bursting into tears. Like intense sobbing. The kind where your whole body shakes. I took a bath, cried some. Ian called me, and I was being kind of quiet and he asked me if I had been crying because my voice sounded funny. I told him I had but not while I had been on the phone with him. Just his mention of me crying and my admitting to it made me choke up. After my bath, I layed on the couch, and wasn't saying anything. My mom asked me what was wrong, and I started sobbing again...i'mma pussy. She assumed it was what David had said earlier, and I told her she was right. I then layed in my bed and sobbed and sobbed. The Other Sister was on Channel 30, and it made me cry sososo much. If I was in a normal emotional state, it would definitely not made me cry. Anyway...when I cry a lot, I get a really bad headache. Lo and behold, I got one.

Sorry if there are typos, grammatical errors, or if this doesn't make sense. I really don't feel like proofreading.

Post eleven.

2008-06-08T01:23:00.000-05:00

Bear.Force.One!!!!!!!!

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1771517

Post ten.

2008-06-07T23:04:00.004-05:00

There haven't been many updates lately. There just hasn't been much going on in my life worth blogging about.

I've started reading a lot more this summer. I finished the first Narnia book in about six hours the other day. It was really good. I plan on continuing the leisure reading thing. God knows, once school starts back, I won't have time to read for pleasure because of everything else I have to do. I probably just won't want to read any more than I have to since I'm taking 17 hours this semester. I'm currently reading Barrel Fever by David Sedaris. It's hilarious. It's just a compilation of short stories and some essays of his. Next, I'll read Party Monster by James St. James. The Seth Green and Macaulay Culkin movie, which is amazing by the way, is based off of it. After that I'm going to read Body Beautiful by Eve Ensler, the creator of The Vagina Monologues.

Switching subjects, I should really go on birth control. My periods are really fucked. I just started today...five or so days late. The late periods get a little frightening at times...

Yeah....that's all I got.

Post nine.

2008-05-24T23:22:00.002-05:00

I'm pretty convinced that I have OCD. :-\

I'm coming to the age where a lot of mental disorders start to show signs. Knowing my family history, I'm sure I'll end up with bi-polar disorder as well.

family history sucksss.

Post eight.

2008-05-24T22:17:00.005-05:00

I went to the doctor today to get a Meningitis shot, and ended up with a Tetanus as well. The Tetanus arm is quite sore still. I don't likes it! I also got some antibiotics for my ear. The doctor thinks that I had an infection and that's why it was hurting. Plus, there's still fluid up in thar.

On the way home, "Hey There, Delilah" came on, and Michael wouldn't change it. Douchebag. I started tearing up. Uggh.

Today just hasn't been that good of a day. I don't really know what my problem was. I was just really emotional and over-sensitive. I obviously looked upset about something, and my mom asked me what was wrong but my dad never did. He never asks if I'm okay if I'm upset. He also always gives me snippy answers to him when I ask him a question. He's always like that and I'm kind of getting tired of it.

On another note, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Skulls is very disappointing. The first hour or hour and a half was great, and it stayed true to the rest of the Indiana Joneses. The ending was incredibly lame. If the outcome would have been presented in a more subtle way, I'd be okay with it, but it was sooo blatant and not Indiana Jones-y.

Post seven.

2008-05-20T20:32:00.001-05:00

I just realized how awesome my schedule is for next semester:

Yeah...just click that to make it bigger.

Post six.

2008-05-20T15:35:00.002-05:00

So, instead of just having radiation, my mom is going to start having Chemo as well. It's not that the radiation isn't working, her doctor just suggested the Chemo because he doesn't want her to be in the 1% where the breast cancer returns...
hurray....:(

Post five.

2008-05-18T23:32:00.003-05:00

I want to clear some things up. I'm not sure if this is what is thought of me or not, but here:

I don't do questionable things. I don't do drugs. I've smoked weed, like, twice. I haven't touched anything else. There were plenty of opportunities where I could have, though. I choose not too. They scare me, and I don't like the potential repercussions.

I very rarely drink, and when I do, I do not get drunk. I'll have a wine cooler or a cider. I like the taste. I don't very much like being drunk. I was drunk on New Year's Eve. That was the last time.

Sure, my friends might do these things, but that doesn't mean that I do. It doesn't make them bad people if they occasionally get drunk or occasionally get high. It's not a regular occurrence.

I'm not slacking in school. I keep up with the things I need to do. I have not fallen into the good ole freshman slump, or whatever you want to call it. I have a 3.69 GPA.

I don't know what actions of mine are illogical. I'd say that I'm living my life pretty well. I have friends who love me, and vice versa. And I have a boyfriend who I deeply care about, and vice versa.

That's all I'm going to say on the matter.

Post four.

2008-05-17T16:12:00.002-05:00

This fucking ear is still clogged. I really hope that permanent damage has not been done. I have to constantly ask people to repeat what they're saying. It's so frickin' annoying. I'm going to get a Meningitis shot next Saturday, and if my ear is not any better I will ask them to check it out. Hopefully, it will be better.

So, I've been staying with Ian since Wednesday. I was going to leave today, but Emily is having a "moving out" party tonight. I'm going to stay for that and leave tomorrow. I really don't want to leave. Coopertown in unbelievably boring. UNBELIEVABLY.

Michael turned 18 on Wednesday. That's so weird. Sososo weird. It just feels like he's so much younger than me, but in reality it's only a nineteen month difference.

I really don't have much to say, I just thought that I should update or something.

Post three.

2008-05-13T14:24:00.003-05:00

Apparently Hydrocodone does not relieve the pain from an earache. I had been complaining all day, and my mom suggested that I take one. I cooked dinner and then took one. I didn't feel anything, and it didn't really help the ear.

At around 1 a.m. I took 1000 mg. Still, the pain persisted. It did make me quite sleepy, though. I went to bed, but surprisingly, I didn't go to sleep immediately. I woke up about an hour later and I felt very, very wobbly. It was a pretty neat sensation. It's not going to become a habit or anything, I'm just saying.

Post two.

2008-05-12T14:16:00.000-05:00

Christ, I don't know if I have Swimmer's Ear or an infection, but it hurts so bad. It literally brought me to tears last night.

Ian called me intoxicated from the party. First my house phone rang at, like two a.m., but I didn't recognize the number. I answered, but they hung up anyway. A second later, my phone rang and it said that Jessica was calling. I just assumed she was drunk dialing me, but it was in fact Ian drunk dialing me....from Jessica's phone. He was incredibly drunk. He said that there was ether there (which I am not cool with. For Christ's sake, it's used to start cars), but he didn't do it because he loves me. I'm not the type of girlfriend who constantly tells my boyfriend what to do and what not to do, because I would hate for him to do that to me. I think I am pretty reasonable with what I like him doing and what I don't like him doing. I don't care if he drinks. I don't care if he smokes pot occasionally. Those things are natural. Ether just....scares me. And it smells bad. Ian did it once, and the smell was literally still in his nasal mucus membranes a day or two later.

The phone got passed around to a few people, and they all said they wished I was there. It made me feel good, but it also made me very sad for some reason. After all that, I began talking to Ian again and my ear was killing me. I then started crying, but I don't think he noticed. I'm not sure if I cried because of my ear, because I missed everyone, or a bit of both...

Post one.

2008-05-11T23:45:00.000-05:00

I'm not really sure why I created this. I just like the way it looks, I suppose.

I really hate living in Coopertown. All of my friends live in Clarksville. It wouldn't be as bad if Megan still lived here, but she decided to go have a life or some nonsense! Silly girl! It's rough just, ya know, hanging out with my mom all day. Because of this, I've found myself staying up until about three a.m. each morning and sleeping until around 2 p.m. every afternoon. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and all, but she's been a bit poopy as of late. I don't blame her for that AT ALL. She has cancer for Christ's sake. She got this weird infection at the incision where they removed lymph nodes. There's this huge hole where they drained the infection, and the doctor gave her antibiotics. The antibiotics make her feel tired and just icky. Sometimes when I wake up (at two in the afternoon..ahem..) she'll be in bed. It makes me sad. And I find myself constantly asking her is she's okay. She also has a shittttton of Hydrocodone. Like over a hundred. Those would go for so much on tha streetz! I'm not going to steal and sell them or anything, I'm jus' sayin'.

Tonight, Ian's house (which will collectively be called "Terminus Haus" from here on...) is having a "Sexy Party." I really wish I could go. It sucks being poor and not having a car. It also sucks that I have to have conservative parents that won't just let me stay at Ian's for a few days at a time. I needz muh social timez and muh boyfrand timez! I got to see Ian last Friday, and I stayed at his house until Saturday morning. My parents thought I just stayed at Emily's that night because we were "out too late and I just thought I'd stay with Emily and have Ian take me home the next morning because Emily was going to her parents' house." I shouldn't have to sneak, goddammit. I'm nineteen years old. Shiiiiit.

But anyway....I really wish I could go to the Sexy Party. The premise is to wear anything that makes you feel sexy. Body parts must be covered though. I WOULD'VE worn my halter dress that has light blue vertical stripes and my black peep-toe pumps. I probably would have spiral curled my hair. I would've looked cute.as.shit. But, ya know, it's whatever.